“Honey, I want a divorce” is perhaps one of the most heartless statements a husband can put together. Picture this! You’ve been married to him for over five years, ten, or even more. Then, one morning, he taps you by the shoulder. You turn with a hopeful smile on your face thinking that at last, he has come to his senses; that finally, he is ready to talk and perhaps even make up. Then you hear this statement, “I want a divorce.”
Just like that! Five, ten, or even more years of your life, of dreams and aspirations of marital bliss, are ended by one short statement. The moment your spouse utters this marriage ending statement, what follows is a divorce process that can be extremely nasty and draining.
However, you can make the process more bearable by following these pieces of divorce advice for women:
1. Recovery Could Take a Long Time
You may tell yourself, “I’m a strong woman, I can handle this.” However, remember you have invested years with him, built memories together, made love, gave him children, celebrated life-defining moments together, etc. These are not the kind of memories you forget in a hurry. The reality is that for at least one year, you will be vulnerable.
The pain of abandonment lingers for quite some time, and you could be an emotional wreck for a period. It takes time to recover from a divorce, and that’s perfectly okay. However, with time, you will heal, especially if you get a professional divorce therapist who understands the divorce process. Soon, you will bounce back on your feet; at your own time.
2. Get a Family Lawyer
One of the most important divorce advice for women is to get a lawyer, but not just any type of lawyer. Get one with experience in family law, and one who has dealt with cases such as yours in the past. A criminal lawyer may not be of much help since their experience is in a different area.
In a divorce settlement, you need a family lawyer who can secure the best deal possible. This lawyer should understand the nuances of divorce law. If you have co-owned assets, make sure your lawyer is competent enough to get you the best deal possible.
3. Thoroughly Scrutinize Joint Finances
All the best divorce advice for women will instruct them to protect their financial assets. A financial analyst, Sandy Arons, contends that most divorce proceedings (about 40% of them) are about money. This is likely to be the case in your situation. The last thing you want is to be blindsided when it comes to a financial settlement that reflects the true picture of your joint finances.
Try as much as you can to have detailed information on all joint-accounts. Get all the names of shared accounts, numbers and their access codes, where money has been invested, etc. In a word, don’t enter into financial settlement negotiations without a thorough knowledge of all your shared accounts and their details.
4. Accurately Calculate your Living Expenses
Your financial stability and that of the children (should there be any), should be a top priority. The brutal raw emotions emanating from a divorce process will heal someday.
However, if you make poor financial decisions now due to ignorance or emotional instability, it will cost you big time in the days ahead. To safeguard yourself financially, calculate what your cost of living is before the commencement of the divorce proceedings.
The truth is if you don’t know what it will take to meet your living expense now and in the future, you won’t know what to ask for; and, consequently, you won’t get it.
5. Project Unexpected Expenses
No matter how carefully you plan your future expenses, there is always the unexpected. For example, your spouse could cut you off from the family health insurance that he pays for. This could leave you with a hefty monthly bill you were not prepared for.
Request for a one-off payment designated for such incidentals. This should be separate from the alimony settlement and should be processed as soon as is practical, preferably within 30 days. If your ex is like most men, he will try to dodge his financial responsibilities. That first one-off cheque should be able to cushion you before the alimony cheques kick in.
6. Avoid the Temptation to Hurt Him
Yeah, you are still pissed off by how he left you. How he woke up one morning and left; never to return. Well, before you let him have it, think about how this could affect your prospects, especially if you have kids with him.
By badmouthing him to everyone cares (and those who don’t) to listen, you expose your children to unnecessary drama. Avoid hitting the social media with an endless tirade of how useless your ex is. Remember, whatever you say online stays online, forever. One day, your children could be reading the nasty words that torpedoed their dad.
7. Divorce is Not Failure
This should sink deep into your psyche. You are not a failure just because you are divorced. Yes, there is a stigma attached to divorce, and sometimes people stay in abusive marriages for fear of it.
Remember the divorce does not define who you are. It just means your marriage couldn’t work for one reason or another. You are not a reject or incompetent. Your marriage simply didn’t work out, and this does not mean you cannot sustain one.
There are times when getting a divorce is the best of very few unpalatable options. It makes no sense to insist on living in an abusive marriage, and here I mean both emotional and physical abuse.
